Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, E.D. Hill, and Julian Philips are the smiling faces playwright Kevin Doyle used to see every morning in the subway, while standing before the “Fox & Friends” morning news show poster, waiting for the G Train.

Naturally the question arose: what do these dimwits actually talk about?

So Doyle replaced these real-life anchors with dead-pan actors and gave them all talking points, each one more absurd than the next, in his hilarious one-act, FOX(y) FRIENDS.

“I do not know what I’m saying,” admits Doocy, who believes waking up at 3:30 AM with the moon has decreased blood flow to his brain. Hill tells viewers that one of the highlights of Fort Worth is the “maze made out of slaughtered cattle;” Brian Kilmeade can’t stop plugging his sports book until he breaks character and tells us he doesn’t give a “fuckety-fuck,” and Philips (referred to as the Smiling Black Dude) explains in all seriousness how he’s grown a force field within him. “They’re not batteries. It’s a force field.” It’s pure, utter nonsense, and yet it’s what millions of us — okay, maybe not “us,” but those other Americans — watch every day.

The show is part of the Pretentious Festival, the Brick Theater’s tongue-in-cheek theme for its third annual summer theater festival, which runs through July 1 at their performance space on Metropolitan Ave. And we have two tickets to the show of your choice (there are 18 remaining in the festival) for the first person who can guess where in Brooklyn this photo was taken. Just hit reply with the answer. Hint: it’s part of a pretentious poem about a ferry.

If they were our tickets to spend (or if you get your own), we would see either FOX(y) FRIENDS and Compression of a Casualty, its attendant one act; Every Play Ever Written (a facetious history of theater written by one of the Brick’s co-founders); Children of Truffaut (angsty characters from art house cinema on stage); or tonight’s final performance of Interview with the Author, described by one reviewer as “Inside the Actor’s Studio on Viagra.”

Brick Theater, 575 Metropolitan Ave., near Lorimer St.; 718.907.3457, bricktheater.com/pretentious/
L to Lorimer, G to Metropolitan.